What Is Negging?

Negging is a form of emotional manipulation in which someone repeatedly puts someone down to undermine their confidence and make them more vulnerable. It can come from anyone such as an intimate partner, a family member, a boss, or a friend. Oftentimes, these put downs are in the form of back-handed compliments, but they can be any direct or indirect comment that begins to chip away at one’s self-worth. Negging often happens over time, making it difficult to detect or differentiate between negging and the occasional slip-up. It can be considered a form of gaslighting because it causes someone to question their interpretation of reality.

Negging Tactics

They may give you back-handed compliments. A back-handed compliment is an insult disguised as a compliment, particularly highlighting the other person’s insecurities.

Example: “That is a bold make-up look, I wish I had your confidence to look like that in public.“

They may compare and contrast you to other people, whether or not those judgements are accurate. Sometimes these comparisons may be made overtime to incite a feeling of competitiveness.

Example: “Great job at practice today, maybe someday you’ll be as good as Masha.”

They may insult you in a playful way, known as teasing. In some relationship dynamics, affectionate teasing is something that people are comfortable with, but it can become negative when people begin using teasing to mask what they truly want to say or to manipulate the other person.

Example: “Well, let’s just say Jamie isn’t in the running for valedictorian this year.”

They may use sarcasm to mask or excuse their insults. 

Example: “Yeah you’re definitely super-mom…”

They show little interest in your accomplishments or successes or they flat out insult them.

Example: “I’m surprised anyone is actually watching these videos you’re making.”

They constantly share good news or accomplishments after you’ve just done the same. Any conversation where you try to share something about yourself somehow leads back to them and their far superior story.

Example: You tell them you’re under the weather and they tell you about the time they were extremely sick and had to go to the ER. 

They may carefully word their insults as questions to avoid pushback.

Example: “Are you really going to wear that?”

They may try to make you feel as though they are the only person who would put up with you or love you “despite your flaws.”

Example: “You’re lucky I’m patient.”

They always tell you that they’re just giving “constructive criticism,” therefore, you should accept it or you’re being unreceptive. Anyone who is actually giving constructive criticism will listen if they are told it comes across as rude. Additionally, constantly receiving criticism, even if it is well-intentioned, can cause someone to feel the need to please the other person.

Example: “I am not trying to be rude, I just think you can improve.”

They make you feel sorry when you tell them how you feel about some of their comments. They may bring up things you have said in the past or deny that they’re being disparaging all together.

*An indicator that you’re experiencing negging rather than a miscommunication or a one-off rude comment is how the person responds when you say something about the behavior.

Example: “I can’t believe you would tell me that what I said was rude.”

They’re always just joking around. It’s always you, not them. They may tell you you’re being too sensitive and you need to learn to take a joke.

Example: “You’re so uptight sometimes, you need to learn how to take a joke once in a while.”

Responding To Negging

Speak up

If you feel safe to do so, let the person know you do not appreciate being spoken to in that way. Try your best to stay calm and not return any insults.

Set boundaries

Set boundaries with the person doing the negging outlining how you will tolerate being spoken to.

Analyze the relationship

All relationships have unhealthy moments, but repeated negging is a form of emotional abuse. You may be in an unhealthy or abusive relationship if:

  • Your partner often treats you with disrespect.
  • Your partner often isn’t truthful or reliable.
  • You’re often changing your behavior to please them.
  • You feel like you’re “never enough” for your partner.
  • You are overly dependent on your partner or vice versa.
  • Your partner shows little to no remorse when they make you feel bad.

Reach out for support

If you feel as though you may be in an unhealthy or abusive relationship, you can find the support you need.

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