Emotional Abuse

Abuse is the act of causing harm or distress, in an attempt to exert control, especially for one’s own advantage or pleasure. Emotional abuse is when someone engages in behavior intended to cause another person mental and emotional harm in order to exert control. It can happen in any kind of relationship, including but not limited to intimate partnerships, friendships, coworkers, roommates, and family members

Emotional abuse often overlaps with other forms of abuse, particularly verbal abuse, and is often present in relationships with any kind of abuse. Research suggests that 60% of women and 25% of men who experienced intimate-partner violence report emotional abuse.¹ Recent data also showed that 55% of teenagers reported experiencing some kind of emotional abuse from a parent or another adult in the home.² Due to the nature of emotional abuse, it can often be difficult for victim-survivors to determine whether or not they are being abused. They may believe that they are overly-sensitive or that their perception is skewed, and may dismiss the idea that they are being abused. As a result, it is likely that the prevalence of emotional abuse is underreported.

There are many ways someone can emotionally abuse someone else. The examples given here are not a complete list and are intended to give an idea of the different ways emotional abuse can present itself in a relationship. Perpetrators may also do a number of other things not listed here to emotionally harm someone else. If a scenario involving emotional harm is not listed here, it does not mean it is invalid as a form of abuse.

Manipulation

Manipulation is when someone uses unfair or dishonest tactics to control someone else in order to get what they want. Many other emotional abuse tactics are also forms of manipulation.

Perpetrators may make victim-survivors feel like they are the issue in the relationship or that they “owe” them in some way. 

Manipulation can look like:

• Intentionally using advanced terminology to get someone to agree to something they otherwise wouldn’t out of confusion
• Exaggerating an illness in order to get someone to do things or take on more than they should
• Weaponizing personal tragedies, mental health issues, and mental health terminology
• Withholding affection to receive something in return
• Blaming for something they are not responsible for
• “If you really loved me, you would/wouldn’t ____”
• Using fears against them
• Love-bombing
• Deflecting
• Gaslighting

Invalidation

To invalidate someone is to make them feel like their perception of a situation is inaccurate and/or their emotional response to a situation is irrational. Invalidation can lead to feelings of shame, self-doubt, self-blame, and can lead victim-survivors to question their perception of reality. When someone becomes uncertain whether or not their interpretation of reality is accurate, it becomes harder to recognize and accept that certain behaviors are abusive. They may begin to see the perpetrator as rational and themselves as irrational. Invalidation chips away at someone’s self-esteem, making it easier for the perpetrator to exert control. 

Invalidation can look like:

• Being dismissive due to age, gender, family position, perceived intellect, or another life role
• Labeling the individual or their thoughts as “illogical,” “irrational,” or “nonsensical”
• Trying to apply logic to or dispute emotional responses
• Criticising or questioning emotional responses
• Arguing or opposing thoughts and opinions
• Downplaying a situation
• Disregarding opinions
• Trivializing concerns
• Gaslighting

Superiority

Perpetrators of emotional abuse may try to exert control by making the victim-survivor feel as though they are inferior. This tactic lowers a victim-survivor’s self esteem by convincing them that the perpetrator is more intelligent, deserving, and capable than they are. As a result, they begin to distrust their own capabilities, making it easier for the perpetrator to exert control. 

Superiority can look like:

• Making comparisons where the victim-survivor is “less than” them and others
• Belittling accomplishments and interests
• Talking down or patronizing
• Criticizing choices and actions
• Dismissing needs
• Giving orders
• Sarcasm
• Nitpicking

Emotional Neglect

Emotional neglect is when someone fails to provide, or deliberately withholds, emotional support. This tactic can lead victim-survivors to suppress or internalize emotions. They may feel alone, isolated, and unimportant. Emotional neglect sends the message that the victim-survivor’s emotions are unimportant. It can leave those who are experiencing unrelated mental health issues or life struggles without support. The internalization of emotional neglect in one relationship can make it difficult to seek support outside of the relationship, putting victim-survivors in a vulnerable position.

Emotional neglect can look like:

• Responding to emotions with anger, frustration, or disinterest
• Love and support are conditional on pleasing the perpetrator
• Rarely expressing love and affection, verbally or physically
• Questioning the validity of emotions
• Withholding affection
• Failing to consider
• Ignoring emotions

Insults

Insults are when someone makes a negative remark with the intention of offending someone or upsetting them. These remarks may target things such as someone’s personality, actions, body, passions, skills, or/and beliefs. Often personal weaknesses or emotional vulnerabilities are used against the victim-survivor. Insults are a way to degrade a victim-survivor to believe that they are who the perpetrator says they are. The perpetrator may also intend to make the survivor change parts of who they are in order to stop the insults. Ultimately, the goal of the perpetrator is to position themselves above the victim-survivor in order to control them.

Insults may be stated in a joking manner or tone, but this is often done to avoid accountability for their abuse by stating that it was, “just a joke.” While playful teasing is a dynamic that exists in many relationships, the difference lies in what the insults are, how frequently they occur, and how individuals respond when someone tells them that the teasing actually hurt their feelings.

Insults can look like:

• Negging
• Name-calling
• Negative labels
• Sarcastic compliments
• Sweeping generalizations
• Drawing attention to errors
• Criticism, judgement, and nitpicking
• Judgements disguised as jokes or questions

Intimidation

Another way perpetrators emotionally abuse victim-survivors is by intimidating them. Intimidation can be either direct or indirect. Sometimes, perpetrators directly threaten negative outcomes, or they may imply or insinuate them. Perpetrators use intimidation to control what a survivor does by making them fearful to do anything that may displease them

Intimidation can look like:

• Setting unrealistic expectations
• Monitoring, tracking, or following
• Insinuating or threatening a break-up
• Insinuating or threatening physical harm
• Insinuating or threatening self-harm or suicide
• Treatment is conditional depending on the abuser’s mood and demands

Distrust

Exaggerated and misplaced distrust can also be a form of emotional abuse. When a perpetrator consistently doesn’t trust or believe the victim-survivor, they manipulate the victim-survivor into acting in ways to prove their honesty. Or, the victim-survivor may alter their behaviors and decisions due to the lack of trust.

Distrust can look like:

• Extreme jealousy
• Accusations of cheating
• Making negative assumptions
• Accusations of lying or manipulation
• Monitoring phone and internet activity
• Recording audio or video without consent
• Not believing victim-survivor’s account of a situation

Chaos

Emotional abuse can also look like creating chaotic, highly emotional situations to put the other person into a vulnerable emotional state. They may incite drama between themselves and the victim-survivor, or involve another person in the conflict. By creating chaos, the perpetrator has control over the situation and can use that chaos to control others.

Creating chaos can look like:

• Picking fights
• The Cycle of Abuse
• Emotional instability
• Provoking emotional distress
• Erratic and reckless behavior
• Involving others in personal conflicts
• Dramatic outward displays of emotions
• Overwhelming someone until they give in
• Blowing minor inconveniences out of proportion

There is a common sentiment that no one can make someone else feel something. While there is a level of truth to this statement, it is often used to shift the blame of harmful or abusive behavior onto the victim-survivor. It is never their fault for having emotional reactions to emotional abuse. Far too often, people dismiss emotional abuse by putting more responsibility on the victim-survivor to resist a normal emotional response to abuse than on the perpetrator for emotionally abusing them in the first place.

Victim-survivors are never to blame for any kind of abuse. If you or someone you know is experiencing verbal abuse, you are valid and you deserve support.

Sources

1. Leemis R.W., Friar N., Khatiwada S., Chen M.S., Kresnow M., Smith S.G., Caslin, S., & Basile, K.C. (2022). The National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey: 2016/2017 Report on Intimate Partner Violence. Atlanta, GA: National Center for Injury Prevention and Control, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
2. New CDC data illuminate youth mental health threats during the COVID-19 pandemic. (2022). Cdc.gov. https://archive.cdc.gov/#/details?url=https://www.cdc.gov/media/releases/2022/p0331-youth-mental-health-covid-19.html