“Crazy” by Emily Moser

Being a survivor is…

crazy.

I am realizing

how complex we really are.

I am realizing

that we can exist

in two states of being at once.

I am realizing

we can be okay,

functioning even,

and we can be not okay,

struggling often.

Being a survivor is crazy.

My therapist says,

“you can be both,”

so I am trying to accept that:

I am both –

I am okay

and

I am not okay.

Crazy.

But it feels like I am being…

fake.

dramatic.

fraudulent.

reactive.

over-emotional.

crazy.

I feel crazy.

Because then I also feel…

energized.

happy.

excited.

hopeful.

engaged.

Which makes me feel

like I might be

crazy.

But being a survivor is crazy.

Being a survivor is complex.

And I am just

both –

Okay and not okay.

And that is okay.

Reaching acceptance,

now that,

is crazy.

-Emily Moser